The Husband Lab #1: SoyJoy—Fortified with Sorrow

This is the first in a series of guest posts by my husband Ryan. I test my freebie products on him. He reviews them. He calls it The Husband Lab. If you missed his last article, check out “I Married a Couponaholic: 5 Ways My Life Has Changed”.

Lab Product Name: SoyJoy

You husbands out there, ever had a SoyJoy? (You’d remember.) It may be the most inappropriately named product in existence. The SoyJoy doesn’t bring Joy at all. It brings sorrow. Deep, profound sorrow. It’s unclear to me who exactly receives Joy from the mass production of SoyJoys. I can think of only three parties: vindictive vegetarians, enemies of America, and Satan.

The SoyJoy snuck up on me like a stealthy ninja. I found it nestled behind my canned soup one Tuesday at lunch. At first glance it looked innocent enough, healthy even. And though I’m not a soy lover, the familiar plastic wrapper lowered my guard further. This might hit the spot, I decided. I reasoned it out further. Dana expresses her love in the form of chewy granola: Quaker bars, fruit and nut bars, and Kudos—excellent 10am snacking. This is close enough, right? I’d pay a toll for my misplaced trust.

As I grabbed the SoyJoy and walked toward my office I investigated the package. Fortified with Optimism I read. My faced beamed with appreciation.

Just then my phone rang. It was my Frugal. We talked about plans for the day, date night, Sadie, the usual. I spun the SoyJoy in tiny circles like a psychopath with a detonator. Before saying our goodbyes, fate provided a final escape route. Oh and thanks for the SoyJoy. Did you like them? I said. Her answer unnerved me. She’d never eaten one. How odd. Earlier in the week I’d seen at least a dozen in the pantry, plenty enough for both of us. Why hadn’t she given them a try? She’s a reforming vegetarian. And vegetarians are supposed to like soy. I thought I’d let you try it first, was the response.

This veiled warning should have given me pause. It didn’t. My suspicion was no match for an irritated belly awaiting its morning snack. I hung up the phone, opened the package, and took a bite. Interesting texture. And…Oh! A dreadful taste invaded my mouth like a horde of marauding Huns. What is this? Am I chewing on a dead animal? Decayed fruit? I wheezed, barely managing to wash the bar down with my lemon-flavored Joint Juice. This can’t be a real product.

Still incredulous after gagging down half a bar, I foisted it on a coworker. Oh man. You gotta try this. I watched him in half-amused disgust as his teeth sunk into a sizable portion. A trash receptacle caught the spewed remains. Gross! What was that? He stared at the gagstick in disbelief. I was silent. I had no answer for him.

I still don’t.

The lab results: It would take a golden pass to the Wonka factory for me to open one again. Even for free, the product is overpriced. If you’re sadistic or enjoy the taste of chalk, you may appreciate the SoyJoy. Otherwise stay away. And please protect your household by destroying the stockpile.

My Frugal Paid: $0
I Would Pay: $-20

Husband Lab Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

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Ryan Adams is the husband of frugal-mom, Dana Adams, the author of this blog, Frugal In Virginia. Ryan has his own blog which he uses as a podium for his ideas about business, technology, jobs, and entrepreneurship. He finds his wife’s blog much more interesting.